Why??

I remember after losing Mary Lynn, I asked God why. Greg and I thought we were being punished for our past sins. We both thought God was punishing us. I even had people tell me that God didn't think I could handle four kids or that maybe Mary Lynn was disabled in some way and God thought I couldn't handle her disabilty. I know they were trying to give me some form of comfort. It was a conversation with one of my brothers that opened my eyes to what I believe is the truth.

I'll start by explaining my brother's situation. Brad is my oldest brother out of four that has God blessed me with. Brad was in his sixth month of rehab for alcohol at the time we lost Mary Lynn. I asked him if he thought Mary Lynn was disabled in any way and God took her from us because we couldn't handle her disabilty. I asked him if he thought God realized he made a mistake and took Mary Lynn before we hade the chance to raise her. He asked me if I thought God wanted him to be an alcoholic? He said that we live in a sinful world. In a sinful world there is sickness and death and God above all hates death and sickness. He said he didn't believe it was God's will for us to lose Mary Lynn and go through all this pain. We are his children and what father wants to see his children hurting? It's part of living in a sinful world and God is the only way to get past the pain and suffering. This is another way God was holding my hand. The time in my life I needed Brad the most, he was there. The Brad I looked up to, before alcohol took over his life. I had my Big Brother back! Thank You God!!

After I talked to Brad, I started thinking about what he said. He really opened my eyes. Without pain and suffering there would be no compassion, no uderstanding,no hope, no love. I know that God is the only one who can bring hope out of pain and suffering. I know that God will use Mary Lynn, Greg and I for his purpose. Mary Lynn only lived eight and a halfs months in my belly. I never saw her smile or heared her laugh, cry or talk, but I see to this day how many lives she has touched and changed. That is only possible through God. Every time I witness the hope and love my baby brings to someone my pain is lessoned and I am filled with an overwhelming amount of love. That is only possible through God.

Do I really think Mary Lynn died because God suddenly realized I was two weeks away from giving birth to a baby he never intended for me to have? I don't think GOd makes mistakes. I beieive that if God didn't want me to have a fourth child, then Mary Lynn would never have been conceicved. This goes back to what Brad said about God's will and the fact that we live in a sinful world with death and disease.
So I don't ask God why. I ask him to use me, my husband, Mary Lynn and everyone who loved her. I know God loves me and Mary Lynn dying was not a punishment. I know this because he died on the cross to save us from our sins. My sins from the past have been forgiven.

I know he doesn't want me to hurt. I feel so incomplete every time I look at a family picture of us. I most likely always will. The family picture is incomplete without Mary Lynn. Even in those times I feel incomplete, God always shows how much he loves me. God's love fills that incomplete feeling I have at that moment. Its an everyday cycle. Thank you God for never givng up on us and always holding our hand.