Poems

These are a couple of poems that brought some comfort to me. I will admit that it took a couple of weeks before I could read them. One of them my Uncle Randy gave to me. The other one was sent to me from a woman who lost her baby the same way. I still go back and read these poems. They brought and still bring me comfort. They remind me where Mary Lynn is and the JOY and HAPPINESS she feels. There are still days I need to be reminded of that.

I know your heart is broken,
from the pain of losing me...
but Mommy, I'm so happy,
if only you could see.

There are angels all around me,
with flowers in their hair...
this place is filled with beauty,
God's love is everywhere.

He spared me from the sorrow,
that your earth has come to know...
so please don't worry, Mommy,
'cause Jesus loves me so.

Heaven's light shines brightly,
on my little angel face...
if only you could see me,
your pain would be erased.

Such happiness is waiting,
and one day you will see...
we'll finally meet in Heaven,
forever you and me.

Author unknown

A Baby's Secret
by Elsie Diamond

I'm just a little fellow
Who didn't quite make it there
I went straight to be with Jesus
But I'm waiting for you here.

Don't you fret about me mommy
I'm of all Gods lambs, most blest
I'd have loved to stay there with you
But the shepard knows what's best.

Many dwellings here where I live
waited years to enter in
Struggled through a world of sorrow
and their lives were marred with sin.

So sweet mommy don't you sorrow
Wipe those tears and chase the gloom
I went straight to Jesus bosom
from my lovely mother's womb.

Thank-you for the name you gave me
I'd have loved to brought it fame
But if I'd lingered in earth's shadows
I'd might instead have brought it shame.

Daddy gave me something for you
It's our secret mommy dear
He pressed it tight against my forehead
and whispered in my ear.

I'd be waiting for you mommy,
you, and Daddy and the rest
I'll be with you then forever
Then I'll give you Daddy's kiss.

God's comfort

The week after the funeral was very hard for me. My friends would come over during the day. That helped so much because I hated to be alone. I was also busy with my four year old, three year old and one and a half year old. I can't imagine how much more I would of struggled if I didn't have them. I realized how much I took my children for granted.

I struggled a lot at night. I wasn't sleeping well at all. Time would go so slow for me. The doctor gave me sleeping pills, but I would still wake up a couple of hours after taking them. I couldn't stop thinking of Mary Lynn. I still felt like I abandoned her. I just walked away from my own baby. I knew in my head she was with God in Heaven. I just couldn't feel it. I couldn't stop thinking about leaving her at the hospital. Then leaving her again at the cemetery. My arms hurt and felt heavy, the way your arms feel after holding a baby for a long time. This bothered me more at night than it did during the day.

My neighbor came up to me one day and showed me a picture she had taken of the side of our house. She said she had been seeing this reflection in the morning for the past couple days. I couldn't really see the picture that clearly on her camera. I told her I thought it was pretty cool and she went home. The next morning she came over and told me to come outside and see it for myself. There on the side of my house was a big diamond with a cross in the middle. She asked me what a diamond with a cross in the middle could mean. I then realized that Mary Lynn's birthstone is a diamond. We then moved everything in the yard around, trying to find what could make that kind of reflection. She then went and opened her kitchen window and the diamond would kinda of move with the window. There wasn't anything hanging on her window. She did say that she had cleaned her windows a week ago and maybe scratched it in a way to make that type of reflection. It showed up every morning for two weeks.

I know that was God telling me that Mary Lynn was not alone and I never abandoned her. It was God comforting us again. God was showing me that Mary Lynn was OK and she was where she belonged. I know this because of the comfort and joy I felt when I first saw it on the side of my house that morning. That night I had the best night of sleep I had since I found out we lost Mary Lynn. God still holding my hand! What an amazing and loving God we have!

The Funeral

We had Mary Lynn's funeral the Monday after Easter Sunday. I really didn't have much to do with the planing of the funeral. I really wasn't in a state to do much of the planing. I had just given birth and I just didn't want to deal with planing the funeral. My Dad and Mom are actually the ones who met with the funeral directors and made most of the plans. I am so thankful for them. I had so many family and friends helping me with everything. God has blessed me in so many ways, more than I deserve.
Mary Lynn was buried in a little cemetery in Beaverdam. Her burial spot was just one of the many things given to us from family and friends. My Dad had written a letter and read it during the funeral. I didn't know he was planning to do that. It was a wonderful gift, it meant the world to me. God also blessed us with beautiful weather. Just another blessing he gave us.

I have to admit I didn't think I was going to feel the way I felt during the burial service. It was another reality check. I didn't want to leave her again. I know how silly that sounds. I hated the days between the hospital and funeral. I hated thinking of where my baby was those days and nights. I hated to think of her all alone, without her family. I knew her soul was really in Heaven. I knew that really wasn't Mary Lynn in that little coffin. But I sill felt so attached to her body. I knew that once I left they would bury her. I couldn't move a muscle. My pastor finally came up to me and asked what I wanted to do. The burial service was done and everyone was just standing around, not really knowing what to do. I told him that I wanted to be alone with her. So he instructed everyone to go to the church. That's where they could give us their condolences and enjoy some cake and ice cream. After a little while, my dad came up to me and said it was time to go and that she will always be there. I prayed again to God for his help to get me to move from the chair. After I prayed my daughter Lily, who was almost 4yrs old, came up to me and said "Mom can we leave now? There won't be any cake and ice cream left!" I couldn't help but laugh. Another prayer answered and God still holding my hand. I said my final goodbyes to Mary Lynn and we left.

My pastor couldn't believe how many people showed up to the burial service. I was overwhelmed myself. You really don't know how blessed you are and how many loved ones God gives you, until you go through a loss. That is one thing I try to remember today. I want to be a better person for losing Mary Lynn. The sad thing is I know I can still do better. It's something I think I will always have to work on.

The set up at the church was really nice. My sister-in-law, Jodi, put all the pictures and the blanket Great Grandma Boersen made for Mary Lynn during my pregnancy on display. My cousins, Jennifer and Sarah, put together a DVD of all the pictures the photographer took. She put some really beautiful songs to them and made copies for any one who wanted one. This is also after she and my sister-in-law Gail watched our three children for three nights. These wonderful ladies are just a few of the many blessings we have in our lives.
When everyone had left the church I asked my dad about the funeral bill. I wanted to know how much we owed and how we had to pay. To my surprise he informed me that the whole bill was taken care of. Certain family member's donated money towards the funeral. Another Blessing!! I still don't know the names of everyone that donated money. I hope I can repay the kindness and love we received during this time. Greg and I are so thankful for everyone and everything that was given to us!

Later that afternoon I went back to her grave. I just wanted to be there. They had already buried her. I thought this was supposed to bring me peace and closure. I didn't feel peace or closure. At that time I didn't think I would ever feel "normal" again. I would learn in coming months and years that God will heal all wounds.

Labor

In the next hour my family and pastor had come to the hospital. The doctor told us we would have to induce labor the next day. This being my fourth pregnancy and having been induced three times before this, I knew how long it would take. I also knew what labor was like; the feeling of excitement and joy you have knowing that you're about to meet your child. The last thing I wanted to do was to go through labor knowing the whole time that my baby was not going to cry when she came. The doctor said this was the best and safest way for me.

The rest of the night in that room was a blur. The only thing I kept thinking was that I killed my baby. I was her mother and she died inside of me. My body caused her to die, I failed her, my body failed her.
On the way to the hospital, I was shaking with fear. I decided that I was going to demand a C-section. I prayed for God to help me and give me the strength to just get through the next 24 hours. When Greg and I walked into the hospital, both of our families were there waiting for us...prayer answered. When I saw all of their faces I felt calm and all the fear I was feeling was gone. I didn't even mention a c-section, I knew I would get through it. Just one of the many ways God was with me holding my hand.

The next 11 hours were very long and filled with a lot of tears and also laughter. We would be laughing one minute about an old memory and crying the next. Then someone would say or do something funny and the laughter would start again. It's hard to imagine laughter and joking around was possible at a time like this. That was God still holding my hand.

My plan was to go home a couple of hours after delivery. I was not happy when they told me I would have to be in the hospital for a full 24 hours. After eleven hours of labor, I got to hold my precious baby. The silly thing is we all still had some hope of a miracle. Hoping for a cry, but Mary Lynn did not cry when she came.

She weighed 6lbs and 12oz, she was 21 inches long. She was beautiful and she looked just liked her older sister Samantha. Her grandparents, uncles and aunts all took turns holding and loving her. After I held her for the first time, I was thankful for the little time I had to hold her. I remember thinking how stupid I was for wanting to go home so bad. I didn't want to think about going home. I didn't want to think about leaving her.

I had discussed with my OB earlier that day about doing an autopsy on Mary Lynn. My doctor agreed with me that no autopsy needed to be done on her. The ultrasound we had when I was twenty weeks pregnant, showed a healthy growing baby. They did want to do an autopsy on the placenta. It would take a few weeks for those results. That was a long wait.

The next morning we had our pictures taken professionally, thanks to The Johnathon Gift Foundation. It's a foundation set up by a couple whose baby boy Johnathon was stillborn. A professional photographer comes in and takes beautiful pictures of you and your baby. To be honest I didn't even think of taking a camera or having our pictures taken. My plan was to have her and go home. I brought one change of clothes and those were pajamas. I am so thankful for all the pictures we have of Mary Lynn.

I knew the time was coming to go home. I still didn't know how I was going to be able to leave her. The little time we had with her went by too fast. Greg didn't rush me. He too was dreading that moment, but being the stronger one he knew it was time to go. Before he went to get the nurse, we both just laid on the bed with Mary Lynn between us. When he left to get the nurse, I prayed for the strength to be able to walk away from my baby. Three nurses followed Greg into the room and they all looked at me like I was about to become some crazed mad woman. I gave Mary Lynn one last kiss and a tight hug and handed her to a nurse. The nurse told me she would take good care of Mary Lynn and she wouldn't leave her side. I told her that my baby was in Heaven with God, far from being alone. I had no clue where those words came from, but I believed them. For the first time since I held Mary Lynn I felt calm and at peace with leaving her. God still was holding my hand.

A Day I Will Never Forget

On Monday, April 10, at 37 and a half weeks pregnant, I went to my routine doctor's appointment. My pregnancy had been progressing normally up to this point. I heard her heartbeat. It was 163 and the doctor told me that everything looked great.
On Wednesday April 12, I spent the day following my normal routine. After picking up my two older children from preschool, we spent the afternoon at my mom's house. While I was there, I felt a good strong kick. Little did I know, that was the last time I would feel her move.
Later that night, after I had been in bed for an hour or so, I was not feeling any movement. This was not normal for her. Nighttime was when she was most active. I knew instantly something was wrong. After drinking cold water and orange juice and moving around, hoping to wake her up, still no movement.
I called the doctor and I was told to go to the hospital immediately. I woke up my husband Greg and when he saw the panic on my face we were on our way.
When we got to the ER, the nurse who brought us up to OB congratulated us on what she thought, and we hoped, would be the labor and birth of our daughter. We got to our room and the nurse started to look for a heartbeat.
After what seemed like an eternity, but was actually only about 5 minutes, she found nothing.
I screamed, "I want an ultrasound and a doctor here now. She needs to be delivered before it's too late!"
Her response was for me to calm down and that she was calling the doctor. After waiting for what seemed like another eternity, the doctor on call (not my doctor) came in to begin an ultrasound. After only looking for less than a minute, he told us "Your baby is dead."
I screamed, "You're wrong! I just heard her heartbeat two days ago. It was 163 and strong."
He responded with, "I'm sorry, ma'am but she is gone."