Labor

In the next hour my family and pastor had come to the hospital. The doctor told us we would have to induce labor the next day. This being my fourth pregnancy and having been induced three times before this, I knew how long it would take. I also knew what labor was like; the feeling of excitement and joy you have knowing that you're about to meet your child. The last thing I wanted to do was to go through labor knowing the whole time that my baby was not going to cry when she came. The doctor said this was the best and safest way for me.

The rest of the night in that room was a blur. The only thing I kept thinking was that I killed my baby. I was her mother and she died inside of me. My body caused her to die, I failed her, my body failed her.
On the way to the hospital, I was shaking with fear. I decided that I was going to demand a C-section. I prayed for God to help me and give me the strength to just get through the next 24 hours. When Greg and I walked into the hospital, both of our families were there waiting for us...prayer answered. When I saw all of their faces I felt calm and all the fear I was feeling was gone. I didn't even mention a c-section, I knew I would get through it. Just one of the many ways God was with me holding my hand.

The next 11 hours were very long and filled with a lot of tears and also laughter. We would be laughing one minute about an old memory and crying the next. Then someone would say or do something funny and the laughter would start again. It's hard to imagine laughter and joking around was possible at a time like this. That was God still holding my hand.

My plan was to go home a couple of hours after delivery. I was not happy when they told me I would have to be in the hospital for a full 24 hours. After eleven hours of labor, I got to hold my precious baby. The silly thing is we all still had some hope of a miracle. Hoping for a cry, but Mary Lynn did not cry when she came.

She weighed 6lbs and 12oz, she was 21 inches long. She was beautiful and she looked just liked her older sister Samantha. Her grandparents, uncles and aunts all took turns holding and loving her. After I held her for the first time, I was thankful for the little time I had to hold her. I remember thinking how stupid I was for wanting to go home so bad. I didn't want to think about going home. I didn't want to think about leaving her.

I had discussed with my OB earlier that day about doing an autopsy on Mary Lynn. My doctor agreed with me that no autopsy needed to be done on her. The ultrasound we had when I was twenty weeks pregnant, showed a healthy growing baby. They did want to do an autopsy on the placenta. It would take a few weeks for those results. That was a long wait.

The next morning we had our pictures taken professionally, thanks to The Johnathon Gift Foundation. It's a foundation set up by a couple whose baby boy Johnathon was stillborn. A professional photographer comes in and takes beautiful pictures of you and your baby. To be honest I didn't even think of taking a camera or having our pictures taken. My plan was to have her and go home. I brought one change of clothes and those were pajamas. I am so thankful for all the pictures we have of Mary Lynn.

I knew the time was coming to go home. I still didn't know how I was going to be able to leave her. The little time we had with her went by too fast. Greg didn't rush me. He too was dreading that moment, but being the stronger one he knew it was time to go. Before he went to get the nurse, we both just laid on the bed with Mary Lynn between us. When he left to get the nurse, I prayed for the strength to be able to walk away from my baby. Three nurses followed Greg into the room and they all looked at me like I was about to become some crazed mad woman. I gave Mary Lynn one last kiss and a tight hug and handed her to a nurse. The nurse told me she would take good care of Mary Lynn and she wouldn't leave her side. I told her that my baby was in Heaven with God, far from being alone. I had no clue where those words came from, but I believed them. For the first time since I held Mary Lynn I felt calm and at peace with leaving her. God still was holding my hand.