God's comfort

The week after the funeral was very hard for me. My friends would come over during the day. That helped so much because I hated to be alone. I was also busy with my four year old, three year old and one and a half year old. I can't imagine how much more I would of struggled if I didn't have them. I realized how much I took my children for granted.

I struggled a lot at night. I wasn't sleeping well at all. Time would go so slow for me. The doctor gave me sleeping pills, but I would still wake up a couple of hours after taking them. I couldn't stop thinking of Mary Lynn. I still felt like I abandoned her. I just walked away from my own baby. I knew in my head she was with God in Heaven. I just couldn't feel it. I couldn't stop thinking about leaving her at the hospital. Then leaving her again at the cemetery. My arms hurt and felt heavy, the way your arms feel after holding a baby for a long time. This bothered me more at night than it did during the day.

My neighbor came up to me one day and showed me a picture she had taken of the side of our house. She said she had been seeing this reflection in the morning for the past couple days. I couldn't really see the picture that clearly on her camera. I told her I thought it was pretty cool and she went home. The next morning she came over and told me to come outside and see it for myself. There on the side of my house was a big diamond with a cross in the middle. She asked me what a diamond with a cross in the middle could mean. I then realized that Mary Lynn's birthstone is a diamond. We then moved everything in the yard around, trying to find what could make that kind of reflection. She then went and opened her kitchen window and the diamond would kinda of move with the window. There wasn't anything hanging on her window. She did say that she had cleaned her windows a week ago and maybe scratched it in a way to make that type of reflection. It showed up every morning for two weeks.

I know that was God telling me that Mary Lynn was not alone and I never abandoned her. It was God comforting us again. God was showing me that Mary Lynn was OK and she was where she belonged. I know this because of the comfort and joy I felt when I first saw it on the side of my house that morning. That night I had the best night of sleep I had since I found out we lost Mary Lynn. God still holding my hand! What an amazing and loving God we have!